I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
