You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I party with great urgency now.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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