call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
