Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
