I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
