I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
