Your mouth is God's brothel.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
