Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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