I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
