I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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