Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
