First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
