i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
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