i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
