Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
