this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
