he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
