You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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