I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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