I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
