cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
