she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I yelled at your uterus for you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
