im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
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It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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