my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
