just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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