I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
