Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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