I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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