Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
