apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
