The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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