You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
