Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
