I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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