Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.