even my farts smell like vagina
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
