Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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