coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
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It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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