fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
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I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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