I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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