note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
