and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
