Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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