I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
