I'm pants shitting drunk right now
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
