I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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