he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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