I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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