Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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