I faked an abortion last night.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
