Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i've created a new STD.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
