My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
