It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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