what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
