You're a womanizer and a bitch.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
